editors: Thread: Re: updates (Mobile-IPv6-HOWTO, Scientific-Computing-with-GNU-Linux)]

Hi all,

Due to some discussion on the submit list about the technical accuracy
of this one, Lars' new Mobile IPv6 HOWTO has already been added to the
collection without getting a language review!

If anyone has time to take a look at this and still perform the review,
the source is now available in CVS.  It still needs one.  Please let me
and the mailing list know!

Thanks!
Tab



-----Forwarded Message-----
From: Greg Ferguson ####@####.####
To: ####@####.####
Subject: updates (Mobile-IPv6-HOWTO, Scientific-Computing-with-GNU-Linux)
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 2003 16:23:48 -0500

Linux Mobile IPv6 HOWTO
Lars Strand  <lars (at) unik no>
v0.6.1  2003-11-22

  Describes the software and procedures to set up and use
  mobile IPv6 for Linux.
  
  * new document
  http://tldp.org/HOWTO/Mobile-IPv6-HOWTO/
 

Scientific Computing with Free GNU/Linux Software HOWTO
Manoj Warrier <m_war (at) users.sourceforge.net>
Shishir Deshpande <shishir (at) ipr.res.in>
V. S. Ashoka <ashok (at) rri.res.in>
v1.0  2003-11-18 

  Aims to show how a PC running GNU/Linux can be used for
  scientific computing. It lists the various available free 
  software and also links on the world wide web to tutorials 
  on getting started with the tools.

  * new document
  http://tldp.org/HOWTO/Scientific-Computing-with-GNU-Linux/




______________________________________
for more info look at http://tldp.org/
-- 
Tabatha Marshall
Web: www.merlinmonroe.com
Linux Documentation Project Review Coordinator (http://www.tldp.org)
Linux Counter Area Manager US:wa (http://counter.li.org)

On Tue, Nov 25, 2003 at 02:50:12PM -0800, Tabatha Marshall wrote:

> Due to some discussion on the submit list about the technical accuracy
> of this one, Lars' new Mobile IPv6 HOWTO has already been added to the
> collection without getting a language review!

Quick scan :

>The  "draft-ietf-mipv6-ipv6-24" answer the what and why mobile ip:

This is at least missing an "of", but should be rephrased altogether.

Also, I don't think it's sensible to refer to the IETF document by its
filename.  Why not "Mobility Support in IPv6", the document's title ?

>The Mobile Node (MN) travel to a foreign network and gets a new
>care-of-address.

travels not travel

>MN performs a binding update to it's Home Agent (HA) (the new
>care-of-address gets registrated at HA). HA sends a binding acknowledge
>to MN.

its not it's

registered not registrated

acknowledgement not acknowledge

["binding" is not explained]

>HA intercepts packets destined to MN.

Prefer "The Ha intercepts ... to the MN" (in several places)

> it may use it current care-of-address.

"it may use its ..."

should be "care-of address"

>See figure "Mobile IP" for explanation.

"an explanation"

> all it's packets through HA.

all its packets

> MIPv6

Acronyms should be spelt out on first use (meaning is fairly obvious in
context, but still...)

>visit the the IPv6 Working Group (IETF).

Duplicate "the". Should read something like "visit the IETF's IPv6
Working Group website"

>There are currently two Mobile IPv6 Linux implementation available

implementations

>The Lancaster University in UK 

"in the UK" at least

>(current is v24). 

"the current revision is..." or "v24 is current"

>The other, and up-to-date, implementation is MIPL HUT (Helsinki
>University of Technology)

Awkward phrasing. Consider "The other implementation, which is
up-to-date, is the Helsinki University of Technology's MIPL project".

>mail-archive.

This is not generally hypenated in English ("mail archive")

>The MIPL MIPv6 require a kernel patch.

The MIPL MIPv6 implementation requires a kernel patch.

>The install process 

The installation process

>NB! The need for two different kernels, one for Mobile Node (MN) and
>one for Home Agent (HA)

At this point, the author has assumed several times that the reader
already knows what HA and MN expand to.

>The decision of functionality is made at the time of module loading, so
>you may not load both the modules at the same time.

Consider rephrasing. For example, "It is not possible to run as both an
MN and an HA at the same time; which mode is chosen depends on which of
the modules are loaded."

>the linux 

the Linux

>version from ftp.kernel.org:

missing mark-up for "ftp.kernel.org"

>This does not actually do anything but display errors if any.

Consider "The --dry-run option checks that the patch will apply
correctly."

>NOT proceed

Consider <emphasis>not</emphasis> instead.

> Since MIPL is still work-in-progress you might want to enable this.

Referent is not clear.

> Also when reporting a bug debug messages

Reads better as "Also, when reporting a bug, debug messages ..."

> included in the MIPL.

included in the MIPL tarball.

>  f.ex. 

I'd prefer "for example"

> MIPv6 dev entry

"dev entry" is not UNIX terminology I'm familiar with. Perhaps "device
node" or "special file" (as in mknod(1)).

> Redhat:

It's "Red Hat"

> to enable at startup, or

to enable MIPv6 at startup 

Same comment for the next line

> If you are so lucky to be running Debian

Hmm :)

Throughout this section, filenames need marking up correctly.

> Test-bed

"test bed"

> working mobile-kernel,

Consider rephrasing

> through the above step carefully.

"steps" ?

> Test-case

"test case" or "testcase" ?

>When MN travel to another network,

travels

>One wireless interface with address fec0:106:2700::1 and a wired
>interface with address fec0:106:2300::2

Needs rephrasing...

> The AR has two interface; 

interfaces

>the wired connected 

"wired interface" ?


OK, we're up to section 4.2 now. I've lost energy for the rest, maybe
later.

Hope that helps,
John








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